enchained by freedom

Remember that time when I felt so vast, like an ocean? I felt like I could discover millions of things that would float out of the depths, things I could never throw out of myself and show to the world. I was like an ocean that was suddenly disturbed by something writhing deep inside, I was restless and unpatient to spit it out.

But I was wrapped in that freedom. It chained me. It was a freedom that shouted "Let me embrace you, or you will lose me forever!". I was so restrained by that sudden freedom, that fear took over me, and I let it go. It was a false freedom, but it was so strong, that I mourned the loss for a long time.

It is now that I realize that freedom is free. You don't know when it embraces you, and when it does, you don't even feel like you need it anymore. Because it's a freedom that makes you feel safe.

I couldn't force myself to be free that moment.

I don't regret it. Maybe I would've ruined something inside of me.

I still feel like something deep, deep down doesn't work properly. But whatever is ill, it would come up to the surface eventually, and I would find the cure. But I am no longer eager and restless. It may come up when it pleases. That'll be the right time. No need to rush things up.

This is real freedom. Feeling ok with yourself.